Question: Help! I’ve been married a year to a man I adore, and we get along great--but his libido isn’t what it used to be. From the time we met until very recently, we did it like three times a week.
Lately we’re down to twice a month, and he acts like he’s doing me a favor. I thought it was women who lost their libido, not men. He’s healthy in every other way, hardly drinks any alcohol, and doesn’t do drugs, except for a little pot. What’s wrong with my husband?
Answer: Quite likely, there’s nothing “wrong” with your husband. What’s happened is that you guys have developed a desire difference.
Newlyweds typically enjoy sexual harmony--and lots of sex. But usually six months to two years into the marriage, sexual harmony gets replaced by a desire difference. One spouse wants sex more than the other. If the difference is small, with the lower-desire spouse rarely refusing the higher-desire spouse’s sexual invitations, then things remain harmonious. But often, desire differences become marked--one wants sex three times a week, the other, once a month. Sexual harmony becomes sexual conflict. Desire differences are inevitable in marriage. There are so common that they have become one of the top reasons why couples consult sex therapists.
The stereotype is that men have greater sex drives than women. Not always. Sex therapists estimate that the man is the more libidinous spouse in 60 to 70 percent of marriages, the woman in 30 to 40 percent.
Desire differences can poison marital harmony. Both spouses lose their sense of humor, and a grim chill descends over the relationship.
What causes desire differences? There are many possibilities:
* Reality replaces fantasies. Initially, spouses have fantasy-based pictures of each other. Over time, the fantasies fade, and you’re left with reality, warts and all. That reality might still be good enough for a fine relationship, but reality tends to cool sexual heat, and usually one spouse cools more than the other.
* Distractions intrude. Early on, couples give each other their undivided attention. It’s flattering--a turn-on--to have someone wrapped up in you. But over time, other priorities demand attention: jobs, family, friends, shopping, yard work, a new roof. These inevitable distractions are also sexually distracting--for some more than others.
* Taking the other for granted. Over time, there’s less courting, less energy invested in making your spouse feel special. That cools libido--for some more than others.
* Relationship issues. The issues don’t have to be major. Little annoyances can interfere with some spouses’ libidos.
* Sex problems. Erection problems in men, an inability to have orgasms in women, and other dysfunctions. When sex becomes problematic, some people turn off to it.
* Medical conditions. Many health problems interfere with libido, among them: depression, arthritis, premenstrual syndrome, menstrual cramps, and menopausal discomforts.
* Frequent masturbation. It’s normal to masturbate. But if one spouse does it much more than the other, it might contribute to a partner-sex desire difference.
* Body issues. Weight gain or other physical changes can turn people off to sex, or to their spouse.
* Exhaustion. Overwork can interfere with libido.
* Male sex hormone deficiency. Male sex hormones fuel libido in both sexes. While not all that common, deficiencies can suppress libido, especially in those over 50.
* Pregnancy. Some women find pregnancy sexually arousing. Others get turned off. Men, too, can become turned on or off by their wives’ pregnancies.
* Nursing. Breast feeding releases hormones that reduce most women’s libidos.
* Drugs. The list of medications with libido-impairing side effects is too long to publish here, but includes: alcohol, birth control pills, antidepressants, tranquilizers, sedatives, and many pain medications.
* Parenthood. Raising kids is exhausting. Libido often suffers--in some parents more than others.
* Sexual trauma. Fifteen percent of women and 3 percent of men have survived childhood sexual abuse, and may repress their memories until well into marriage. Hundreds of thousands of people--overwhelmingly women--are sexually assaulted each year. Sexual trauma can suppress libido.
There is no magic formula for dealing with desire differences. But here are some suggestions:
* Analyze your situation. Consult physicians, marriage counselors, or sex therapists if necessary. If work or parenting leaves one of you exhausted, consider how the other can help.
* Be flexible. Some people enjoy sex late at night, others in the morning. Some like quickies, others extended sex. Little differences can add up to a big desire difference. The higher-desire spouse should try to accommodate the lower-desire spouse’s preferences.
* Compromise. If you want sex twice a week, while your spouse prefers once a month, you might compromise on once every week or 10 days. A compromise frequency means that neither of you gets what you truly want. But by compromising, you show flexibility, good faith, and a willingness to invest in marital harmony. It’s that or misery--and possibly affairs or divorce.
* Schedule sex dates. Many people think sex should be spontaneous. In new relationships, people fall into each other’s arms, but in established marriages, that stops happening. If you want regular sex, you have to schedule it. Scheduling is usually a relief for both spouses. The one who wants more knows exactly when sex will happen and can look forward to it. The one who wants less knows sex will happen only when scheduled, and gets a break from fending off advances, which helps that person get psyched up for sex dates.
* Show good will. Stop making snide remarks about the huge sacrifice you’ve made accepting your compromise. Your spouse has made a similar sacrifice. Put your bickering behind you.
* Return to nonsexual affection. A frequent casualty of a desire difference is nonsexual affection: friendly hugs during the day, cuddling while watching TV, etc. The higher-desire spouse typically initiates such affection, and interprets any reciprocation as sexual. Meanwhile, the lower-desire spouse shrinks from nonsexual affection fearing that reciprocation implies interest in sex. Once you have scheduled sex dates, affection loses its sexual charge. Both of you can initiate hugging and cuddling, one of marriage’s little pleasures, knowing it carries no sexual implications.
* Celebrate your solution. At first, both spouses typically feel wary. But over time, assuming you both honor your agreement, and return to nonsexual affection, resentments fade. Your marriage improves, and so does your sex.
If these suggestions don’t resolve your dilemma, then I suggest consulting a sex therapist. Desire differences have become a leading reason why couples see sex therapists, so any therapist is likely to be quite experienced in dealing with them. To find a sex therapist near you, contact either or both of these organizations: The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at (804) 644-3288, or on the Web at www.aasect.org, or the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS), (610) 530-2483, or www.sexscience.org.
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