Question: I’ve been dating a guy 18 months now. The first few months we were together we had sex all the time. Now, he’s just not interested at all. We went from having sex every night to only having it 3 or 4 times a month. Got any suggestions for getting him interested again? I’m at a loss.
Answer: The “hot and heavy” stage of a relationship typically lasts for a few months to 2 years, after which one lover, or both, loses some (or most) sexual interest and sex becomes less frequent. We’re sorry you have to deal with a chronic desire difference, but you do—most couples do.
Desire differences are inevitable. Less sex doesn’t mean you’re less in love, just less in lust. Sometimes, both people’s erotic appetites subside together, but more often, one person’s declines more than the other’s, and the result is a desire difference.
There is no “right” amount of sex, no “normal” sexual frequency. What feels normal and natural to you may feel like too much or too little to your partner. Socialization plays a role in desire differences. Usually but not always, it’s the man who wants more sex, and the woman who is content with less.
Men are raised with cultural permission to want sex and to seek it out, and to use sex as a means of relaxation and stress management. Women, on the other hand, are taught that “good girls” should never be “forward” about sex, that they should play “hard to get,” otherwise the world will punish them for being “sluts.” As a result, many women consciously or subconsciously suppress their sexual desires.
In addition, many women have other preferred approaches to stress management, for example, talking with friends or taking hot baths. Still, plenty of women find themselves in your position—feeling frustrated about too little sex.
Some desire differences or libido losses are temporary, caused by such things as illness, pregnancy, medication (anti-depressants are notorious for impairing libido), or stressful life events—moving, job loss, the death of a loved one, etc. But here we’re talking about persistent desire differences or one partner’s loss of libido.
We suggest you start working on the desire differences or loss of libido in your relationship with a complete medical evaluation. It’s possible that some illness is causing or contributing to the situation. Many conditions reduce libido, among them: depression and anything that cause chronic pain. The drugs taken for many conditions also suppress desire.
You should also encourage your boyfriend to have his testosterone levels checked. Both sexes produce testosterone. This hormone is responsible for sex drive in both men and women. If it’s abnormally low, libido suffers. Men rarely suffer abnormally low testosterone levels, and if a man’s hormone level is in the normal range, additional testosterone does NOT increase his libido. (In fact, in men it can stimulate the growth of prostate cancer.) But some men are low on testosterone.
Men should have 300 to 9000 nanograms of the hormone per deciliter of blood. Testosterone is not inevitably helpful, but it might provide some benefit. If you’re interested in this approach, consult an endocrinologist, ideally one recommended by a sex therapist. But testosterone should not be viewed as a quick fix for desire differences or a flagging libido. Usually, there is no medical reason for desire differences. They simply reflect differences between the two people. Desire differences are maddening. They can drive couples crazy.
Perhaps you recall the scene from “Annie Hall” where Woody Allen complains to his therapist: “She never wants sex. She won’t let me touch her. She’s making my life miserable. My God, we’re only doing it three times a week.”
Cut to Diane Keaton with her therapist: “He wants sex constantly. He’s all over me. He’s making my life miserable. My God, we’re doing it three times a week.” In theaters, these twin scenes always get a big laugh because so many people see at least some aspect of themselves in them.
But typically, when desire differences become a chronic sore point, both partners lose their sense of humor, and a grim chill descends over the relationship. The one who wants more sex feels unloved, while the one who wants less feels beleaguered.
Ironically, in many couple with desire differences, sexual desire, per se, is not the issue, or not the only issue. The unspoken issue is usually power, or perceived lack of it. Both people feel powerless and victimized, infuriated that the other is asserting such dominance over them, by utterly controlling sex, a key element of the relationship. When you’re the person who wants more sex, you feel that you spend your life begging, pleading, groveling before an omnipotent partner who has the power to shoot you down with the awful word, “no.” When you’re the person who wants less sex less, you feel that you live your life fending off an omnipotent partner whose incessant demands can be summed up in one word, “now.”
Sex therapists often ask couples in the throes of serious desire differences: “Which one of you is in charge of your sex life?” Inevitably, each partner points to the other. Then each one is shocked to learn that their partner believes they have the power when they themselves feel they have no power at all. Here’s where loss of libido often comes in.
The partner who wants sex less never has the opportunity to feel his or her own sexual desire because the other’s demands provide no emotional space to do so. That’s why many people who want less sex say they have “no sex drive,” and their partners may berate them for it.
In fact, few people who want it less have no sex drive. They just want it less, which is their perfect right. Meanwhile, those who want more sex are often perceived by their less motivated partners as being “obsessed with sex,” wanting it “constantly,” and “having only one thing on their minds.” In fact, few people who want more sex have only one thing on their minds. They just want more sex, which is their perfect right.
They feel so frustrated and sex-starved that they carp about sex when they often want other things as well: time with their partner, or some demonstration of the partner’s love, commitment, and affection. To work out desire differences, it’s important for both partners to acknowledge that they each make the other feel powerless.
That changes the social equation from: “You’re torturing me, you sadistic creep,” to “We’re doing this to each other, and how can we reach a workable compromise?” Chances are you both will have to adjust. There are no easy answers to desire differences, no quick solutions that we or any therapist can offer.
Basically, you have three choices: (1) Work out a compromise you both can live with, while remaining loving toward each other, and retaining your sense of humor. (2) Stay together, but lose your sense of humor, and have your love devolve into silence or bickering. (3) Break up. If you value your relationship and your happiness, clearly option #1 is the way to go.
If one of you wants sex daily, while the other would be happy with once a month, perhaps you can both live with once a week or twice a month. If you negotiate such a compromise, it’s very important to realize that neither of you is going to be thrilled with the outcome.
The one who wants more sex won’t get as much as hoped for, and the one who wants less sex will wind up having more than hoped for. That’s the nature of compromise, and the nature of marriages.
When dealing with desire differences, a key danger sign is a loss of sense of humor. If the playfulness goes out of your relationship because of desire differences, if hurt feelings solidify into resentment, name-calling, and withdrawal from one another, then we would urge counseling by a sex therapist or marriage counselor.
If you work out a compromise you both consider reasonably workable, it’s crucial for both of you to embrace it in good faith, which means you must each work hard to let go of resentments over what you’ve given up. The one who wants more sex should not continue carping about feeling sex-starved, and the one who wants less should not begrudge making love at the negotiated frequency. Of course, this is not easy, especially if desire differences have been a chronic sore point. Compromises are often frustrating.
But if you value your relationship and don’t want to end it, then half a sexual loaf is better than none. Sometimes, desire differences and libido loss have to do with sexual boredom. That’s why many people incorporate sex toys into their love lives—to spice things up a bit with enhancements. Therapists often recommend erotic games for couples who carry resentments because of desire differences.
Two games Xandria.com carries are Sex-Sational and Wildly Sexy Dares. They might be fun for you. On the other hand, they might not be your cup of tea. Other spurs to sexual desire include: exchanging massages, watching x-rated videos together, reading erotica to each other, or experimenting with sex toys. But sexual desire does not only emerge from frankly sexual activities. Spending quality time together also helps.
Try a weekend getaway, or an intimate restaurant, or doing something new and different. It’s your relationship. Nurture it. Try to rediscover the person you fell in love with way back when. Some couples work out their desire differences by deciding to have “open” marriages, where each is free to have sex with other people. The one who wants it more does, while the one who wants less sex doesn’t.
We know of one or two couples who have made this work long-term. But we know of more who have either abandoned this approach or stayed together, or have broken up in part because of one person’s inability to deal with the open situation. We’re not judging open marriages, just acknowledging that they are very difficult to maintain, and require even more trust, intimacy, and communication that monogamous marriages.
If you need help working out a chronic desire difference, we suggest considering professional counseling.
There are no guarantees that counseling will help, but it can usually help clarify the issues in your relationship, and give you a safe place to wrestle with them.
To find a sex therapist near you, contact either or both of these organizations: The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at (804) 644-3288, or on the Web at www.aasect.org, or the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS), (610) 530-2483, or www.sexscience.org.
View All Ask Xandria Questions