Question: I’m 27 years old and weigh 200 pounds. I just lost my virginity a few months ago but I can’t find a man to make me cum! Is it because I’m a big girl?
Answer: Your problem expressing orgasm has nothing to do with your size. Chances are it has to do with either (1) anxiety, (2) not enough stimulation of your clitoris or (3) both.
You didn’t mention whether or not you can express orgasm during masturbation. For purposes of this reply, I’ll assume that you have never had an orgasm at all, solo or with a lover.
Many women have trouble releasing the orgasms waiting to emerge from inside them. This is a very common problem, especially among younger women, notably those under 30 years old, but this problem can afflict older women as well. Fortunately for most women, inability to have orgasms is fairly easy to resolve. In fact, one of the major early success stories for modern sex therapy was the development of treatment programs for "pre-orgasmic" women.
It's not entirely clear why some women have difficulty reaching orgasm, but socialization clearly plays a role. Despite growing sexual equality and a trend toward greater acknowledgment of women's sexuality, many girls are still taught that sex is messy and unpleasant, that "there's only one thing on men's minds" and that a woman's virginity is something to cherish and guard from men bent on ravaging it. In addition, some religions teach that virginity at marriage is a virtue and that sex outside marriage is sinful promiscuity.
As a result, many young women grow up feeling decidedly ambivalent about sex. They have a libido and a natural curiosity about this fundamental - and at best, quite pleasurable - part of life. But they also have a tape playing in their minds that says: Sex is bad, something best avoided and resisted until marriage.
This type of ambivalence can engender a great deal of emotional stress and stress can suppress the ability to reach orgasm.
Many women grow up with a similar ambivalence about masturbation. On the one hand, playing with one's own genitals is powerfully pleasurable. On the other, many women are told that it's wrong, or a sin, or that good girls don't do that.
This also creates emotional stress, especially when you consider that masturbation is a key component of learning how to have orgasms. Most people - men and women - have their first orgasms solo during masturbation. And the foundation of modern sex therapy's approach to teach pre-orgasmic women how to climax involves focused masturbation.
We shouldn't be surprised that orgasm is a problem for women who come from sex-negative backgrounds where masturbation was frowned upon or forbidden. Sex is often fraught with stress for them and they may not have had much experience masturbating.
Of course, this is a stereotyped portrait. It's quite possible that a woman with a background including more sex and masturbation might have difficulty reaching orgasm. It's a problem for many, many women.
Fortunately, as women grow older and gain more experience with sex, they generally become more comfortable with it, more confident about their own sexuality, and as a result, more orgasmic. Not always, but usually.
For women who are pre-orgasmic, I offer the following suggestions:
* How much alcohol do you drink? Alcohol is a powerful central nervous system depressant that is probably the world's leading cause of drug-related sex problems, including inability to have orgasms. If you drink only a little, we suggest you stop. If you drink heavily, we suggest medical treatment.
* Are you taking any prescription medication? Many drugs, notably, antidepressants, can cause sex problems, including inability to have orgasms. If you are taking a drug that can cause sex problems, your doctor might be able to switch you to a medication with fewer sexual side effects. (Among antidepressants, Wellbutrin has the fewest.)
* Learning to have orgasms takes a while, typically several months of regular practice. Be patient. Give yourself the time. Try to let go of the notion that "I can't," that "I've tried and it's hopeless." You can. Your body CAN experience the pleasure and release of orgasm. You just have to be patient and allow it to emerge from deep within you.
* The process begins with learning about your body by yourself. Have you ever seen your genitals? Examine them using a mirror. Pay special attention to your clitoris, the small nub above the vaginal opening underneath the place where the outer vaginal lips come together. The clitoris is the most sexually arousing spot for most women.
* Then practice masturbating, stroking, caressing and massaging your entire vulva (the external genitals) including your clitoris. It's much easier to learn to have orgasms by yourself than with a partner. In solo sex, you only need to pay attention to yourself and what you're feeling. A partner complicates matters considerably because you feel pressure to please that person, and need to guide the person toward what you find most pleasurable. That's why the programs for pre-orgasmic women begin with masturbation.
* Most people find masturbation most pleasurable with lubrication. You may lubricate enough naturally, but many women do not. We suggest using a commercial sexual lubricant. Xandria.com sells several, plus a lubricant sampler kit that allows you to try several before you commit to buying a large quantity of one.
* You can masturbate with your hand if you like. Or you can try it with one or more sex toys. Some women enjoy using a vibrator. Vibrators typically provide more intense stimulation than a hand can. Other women enjoy using a dildo, a surrogate penis that can serve as fuel for fantasy. Many dildos are larger than fingers or erections, so they stretch the vaginal lips a little more. Some women enjoy this. Then there are vibrators housed in realistic-looking dildos. Xandria.com sells dozens. Select the one(s) that appeal(s) to you.
* After you can have orgasms consistently on your own, feel free to experiment with partner sex. Ideally, your partner should know that you've been working on transitioning from being pre-orgasmic to orgasmic. Your partner should support your efforts and be willing to help - patiently. Ideally, you should show or tell your partner what types of caresses bring you to orgasm. Then relax and gently guide the person as he (or she) pleasures you.
* VERY IMPORTANT: Many studies show that only 25 percent of women are reliably orgasmic during vaginal intercourse. For three-quarters of perfectly normal, sexually responsive women, vaginal intercourse does not provide enough clitoral stimulation to allow the woman to express orgasm. Most women absolutely need direct clitoral stimulation with a finger, hand, tongue or sex toy.
* For more on learning to become orgasmic, we recommend the book "Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women," by Julia Heiman, PhD and Joseph LoPiccolo, PhD. It's available through Amazon.com. This book has also been turned into a sweet, helpful video, also titled "Becoming Orgasmic." It’s available through Sinclair Intimacy Institute, P.O. Box 8865, Chapel Hill, NC 27515; (800) 8443-0305; www.bettersex.com.
* Of course, not every woman feels comfortable or capable enough to learn to have orgasms all by herself. If you hesitate to do this solo, by all means consult a sex therapist. Sex therapists enjoy an excellent track record helping women become orgasmic. You can work with a therapist solo, or with your partner, or first alone, then as a couple. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org. Click the map of the U.S. and Canada and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.
Remember, women's bodies are wired to allow them to enjoy orgasm. If you want to have orgasms, you CAN.
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