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Question: I have something that has been bothering me. I had sex for the first time about four weeks ago, but it was a disappointment. Before that, I have used one thin dildo and two vibrators 1.5" diameter. I thought that the vibrator and dildo were supposed to exercise my muscles so that I wouldn’t feel pain come my first time ever sex. But I guess it’s all just a hoax. I want to enjoy sex with my man. But it was so painful, I bled on two occasions. Am I abnormally small? Or is he abnormally big? He managed to come in only once in the week I went to visit, the rest of the times it was too painful. And amidst the pain I managed to come too quickly, and I could not tolerate him inside me after I came. If felt like I could not take it anymore.

Answer: I'm so sorry that your first time was such a disappointment. You're not alone. A substantial proportion of people tell variations on your story, though not usually with so much pain and bleeding. I'll do my best to provide some perspective, which I hope will help you sort things out and move toward the kind of joyous, erotically fulfilling sex you want and deserve. You were thoughtful to play with the dildo and vibrator beforehand. That does, indeed, help in getting used to vaginal insertion. But your concept was a little off the mark. Comfortable intercourse is not all that much about vaginal muscle preparation as it is about deep, whole-body RELAXATION. Many women are anxious about first intercourse. That anxiety can translate to muscle tension, including contraction of the vaginal muscles. That might explain your pain. I'm also guessing that your lover is a young guy who maybe rushed the intercourse a bit and didn't give you enough time to warm up sensually. Here's what I suggest: Next time, the two of you should start with a long, hot shower together. Soap each other up, play in the shower. Hot showers are very relaxing, and any playing in the spray provides whole-body, massage-like sensuality, also very relaxing. Then dry each other--more whole body touch. Then get into bed, but DON'T attempt intercourse for at least 30 minutes. Feel free to really go at it: holding each other, kissing, caressing everywhere, hand jobs, oral, whatever you like. This will allow your mind and your vagina to relax and become receptive to his erection. When the time comes for intercourse, lubricate your vaginal lips and vagina, and his penis. It's best to use the woman-on-top position. He should lie on his back absolutely still. You straddle him, line him up, and then slowly sit down on his erection. You should control the speed and depth of insertion. Play with it. Feel free to go slowly. Once you have him comfortably inside you, then you can invite him to move--slowly and gently. This approach maximizes your relaxation and comfort. It's also a really great way to make love, very sensual and playful. If this approach does not help, if you still can't tolerate intercourse without pain, then you may have a condition called vaginissmus--the vaginal muscles clamp shut rendering intercourse painful or impossible. If you suspect vaginissmus, consult a doctor or gynecologist who understands sexual medicine. Your doctor or gynecologist has not dealt much with vaginissmus ask for a referral to someone who has. You might also consider talking with a sex therapist. Sex therapists treat vaginissmus also. You're likely to get the best result if you see both an MD and a sex therapist--and if they talk to each other about your situation. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org. Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your State or Province.