Can only orgasm through masturbation...
Question: HELP! I'm a 26-year-old woman with a very, very high sex drive. But I cannot have an orgasm while having intercourse or oral sex. The only way I can have an orgasm is through masturbation. And I seem to be losing that as well. It now takes me 30 minutes to an hour to have an orgasm by masurbation. My fiancé thinks my problem is his fault. I try to tell him otherwise, but he gets upset when he catches me masturbating because he feels as though he can't please me. What is going on with me? Please give me some advice on this!
Answer: Some people naturally take longer than others to reach orgasm. But from your description, we guess that in addition you are the victim of a conditioned reflex. Orgasm requires deep relaxation. Concern about the time it takes to reach orgasm or your ability to have orgasms at all causes anxiety, which interferes with orgasmic ability.
You wind up with a vicious cycle -- trouble reaching orgasm, which causes anxiety, which causes more difficulty with orgasms and increasing anxiety. Added to this you have your fiancé's issues, which can only make your anxiety worse. No wonder your orgasmic ability has deteriorated over time.
We urge you and your fiancé to consult a sex therapist. The therapist should reassure you both that your situation is not some abnormality on your part or his "fault." The fact is, many women share your problem and in the vast majority of cases, it can be resolved happily with just a few months of professional sex therapy. That should quickly eliminate some of the anxiety in your relationship.
Next, the therapist can help you get your testosterone level checked. Testosterone is the male sex hormone, but both sexes produce it and it plays a role in orgasmic ability. Low levels are rare in women under about 40, but it's worth checking.
If your level is low, you can take testosterone replacement under medical supervision. There is some controversy about testosterone measurement in women because levels are so much lower than men's normally that the test may not be able to distinguish a level normal for women from one that's low. Some clinicians simply prescribe replacement and see if it helps.
Then the therapist should prescribe relaxation and masturbation exercises to help you become more reliably and more quickly orgasmic. Once you can have the orgasms you want solo, the therapist should prescribe couple exercises.
Sex therapists enjoy great success helping women experience the orgasms waiting to flower within them. And the process of couple sex therapy to resolve this problem often deepens intimacy, helping both people relax, which in turn, enhances the enjoyment of lovemaking and orgasmic ability. To obtain a list of the certified sex therapists in your area, contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) at (319) 895-8407 or by e-mail at thesociety@worldnet.att.net.
Another thing that might help you is a vibrator. Vibrators deliver more intense clitoral stimulation than fingers, tongues or penises. Some sex therapists recommend them as part of the "homework" for becoming more orgasmic. Even if yours doesn't, you might try a vibrator to see if it helps you. Xandria.com sells dozens of different models.
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