Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Recently, he said he wants to have anal sex. I'm afraid! His penis isn’t all that long, approximately six inches when hard. But it’s fat. Very fat. It's difficult for me to take him vaginally, and when I think of him trying to get that fat thing into my ass, I’m afraid he’ll hurt me. Please help me please him.
Answer: Penis-anus intercourse often does hurt the woman--even with lots of lube and a man who enters very slowly. If you don't want to do that, don't. Sex shouldn’t hurt. But the two of you can still enjoy other forms of anal play. Fingering is the most popular. Here's some general information about anal play that should help:
First, we would like to credit Jack Morin, Ph.D., for much of this answer. Morin is the author of Anal Pleasure and Health, and probably the world's leading expert on anal sex. (Xandria.com also sells Morin's book.)
Before we get into the nitty-gritty of anal sex, there are a few things to know about anal anatomy and physiology. One crucial fact is that the human body has two anal sphincters, not just one. We have both external and internal sphincters. The external sphincter is pretty easy to relax by conscious choice, but the internal sphincter is less so.
Different parts of the nervous system control each sphincter, so relaxing the external opening doesn't necessarily relax the internal one. Many people store up stress in their internal anal sphincter muscles, just as some people store up stress in their backs or necks. As a result some people have a harder time than others learning to relax their internal sphincter, and enjoy comfortable anal play. But if you want to, over time, you probably can.
Another important anatomical consideration is that the rectum is not a straight tube. It has a couple of curves in it, and the specifics of the curves vary from person to person.
Then, it's important to understand that there is usually not much stool in the rectum.
Finally, unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating. To enjoy anal sex, you have to use plenty of lubricant--the more the better.
Now, turning to anal sex play itself, it's VERY important to understand that penis-in-the-anus intercourse is the LEAST frequently practiced form of anal sex. It's much more common to enjoy massage of the anal opening solo or by a partner, anal fingering, fingering while also receiving oral sex, or oral-anal contact, colloquially known as rimming.
Second, it takes time and practice to learn to relax your anal sphincters. So, be patient. Don't dive into anal intercourse too quickly. If you want to be the recipient, the best way to begin to explore anal sex is to finger yourself in the bath or shower, or in bed. Use plenty of lube. Try different lubricants to see which one you like best. There are water-based lubricants, oil-based, and petroleum-based. Most sexual lubricants are water-based.
They're slippery and carry a low risk of causing vaginal problems. But they may not feel best for anal play. Oil-based lubes are vegetable oils. They may be used either vaginally or anally. Petroleum-based lubes, for example, Anal Lube and Vaseline, may cause vaginal irritation, so we don't recommend them for vaginal intercourse.
But for anal sex, many people find that petroleum-based lubes are most comfortable. Learn about your individual sphincters and the unique curves of your rectum. Practice relaxing your sphincters. Breathe deeply. Try different positions to see which ones are most comfortable for you. Then, move on to experimenting with a well-lubricated butt plug to learn about the unique curves of your rectum.
Xandria.com sells several butt plugs in various sizes. Start with a small thin one, and move on to a larger one if you like. The idea here is for the recipient, who can be a man or woman or both, to become as comfortable as possible with solo anal play before adding the complications of another person to the scene.
Once you become comfortable with a butt plug or two, you might want to try some other anal toys. Xandria.com offers several, but we'd suggest two: the Expanding Love Plug and the Anal Explorer.
The Expanding Love Plug is an ingenious take-off on a butt plug. It features a built-in vibrator, and a squeeze-bulb hand pump. Squeeze the bulb, and it expands inside you. Hit the switch, and it vibrates.
The Anal Explorer is a kit containing a standard, seven-inch, battery-powered vibrator, and five stimulating anal attachments. When you begin to explore anal sex in a couple situations, it should NEVER hurt. If it does, the receiving anus and object of insertion are not sufficiently well lubricated, the recipient is not sufficiently relaxed, and/or the inserter is being insensitive and pushy.
Couples should get into anal sex play slowly. First, get relaxed. Perhaps take a hot bath or shower together, or engage in some whole-body massage. Then try extended anal massage, and then very gentle, shallow fingering. Wait a while to try penis-anal intercourse.
When you do, the recipient should ALWAYS be the one in control, the one who moves onto the penis. The penis should remain still--no pushing into the anus, and no thrusting in the anal canal until the recipient says it's okay. This allows the recipient to control the insertion, which is a big aid to relaxation. Usually, the most comfortable positions are side-by-side or recipient-on-top. Wow deep can you go? Comfortable depth varies from person to person because of the rectum's curves and the recipient's level of relaxation.
After a while, recipients who are open to a penis in their anus can accommodate the entire penis, unless the penis is unusually large. But don't rush things. Deep insertion may take months, and some recipients never get comfortable with it.
But most people can learn to enjoy gentler forms of anal stimulation, notably one or two fingers in the anus, or a plug. Speaking of butt plugs, many recipients feel more receptive to a penis if they wear a butt plug for a while beforehand, on the order of 15 to 30 minutes. Butt plugs open the external and internal anal sphincters and help many recipients accommodate an erection.
Different people have different experiences of orgasm with anal sex. Some recipients enjoy having a finger or plug inserted as their lover brings them to orgasm by hand or mouth or sex toy. But many recipients prefer NOT to have orgasm during anal play, and NOT to have the inserter have one if his penis is inside them. The reason is that orgasm causes involuntary muscle contractions and thrusting movements that may fee uncomfortable for the recipient.
This is something to talk about. As for the cleanliness of anal sex, its part of an even larger issue, what Dr. Morin calls "the anal taboo." Our culture views the anus as dirty and disgusting. Plenty of people intellectually would like to explore anal pleasure, but have a hard time doing so because viscerally, their emotions won't let them. It takes time to temper the anal taboo. And you have to take the time.
Otherwise, anal sex is no fun, or even worse, it becomes coercive. Once you're open to anal play, then it's important to clean the anus and rectum beforehand. It's a good idea to wash, bathe, or shower beforehand and clean the area with a soapy finger. Some people enjoy anal douching with a disposable enema, such as a Fleet. Use the prepared solution, or dump it out and use warm water.
Insert the flexible tip, squeeze the plastic bottle and then let the water run out over the toilet. Vaginal douches also work well for anal use. Anal douching not only cleans the area, but also helps the recipient relax and feel less apprehensive and embarrassed about anal play.
If the receiving anus and anal canal have been washed well beforehand, then anal play--including rimming--is as clean as any other form of lovemaking. However, as a precaution, be careful not to introduce anything that has been in contact with the anal area (fingers, penis, and sex toys) into the vagina. Anal bacteria may cause a urinary tract infection. Frequently, one lover is eager to explore anal sex, but the other is reluctant. Here's our advice to the eager lover: Never force it. And don't nag. In a calm, loving manner, explore your partner's reluctance. What's the person really afraid of or concerned about? Listen very carefully, and try to address your lover's concerns.
Ask if there is ANY way your partner would feel comfortable exploring anal sex. Maybe intercourse feels like too much, but perhaps the person would be willing to experience external sphincter massage, or fingering, or rimming. Start with what's mutually comfortable.
Don't do anything that isn't mutually pleasurable. Respect your partner's limits. Here's our advice to the partner who's reluctant to engage in anal play: Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. Your lover should respect your limits. But don't dismiss anal play out of hand.
There's nothing wrong or unnatural about it. Think about why you're reluctant, and honestly tell your partner. Do your feelings have to do with the anal taboo? Memories of previous anal interludes that caused you pain? What are you really feeling? By discussing your issues, at the very least, the two of you will learn more about one another, and that can enhance intimacy even if you don't engage in anal sex.
Then ask yourself if there is ANY type of anal play you might enjoy. The best way to experiment with things you might like is to try them solo on yourself, things like anal sphincter massage and fingering. Finally, many people feel concerned about the "meaning" of anal sex. For example: Does a man's desire to enter a woman anally mean that he wants to hurt, dominate, or humiliate her? Or does a man's interest in receiving anal pleasure mean that he's gay?
These questions are reasonable because all sex practices, including anal sex, exist in cultural contexts. Anal sex is widely practiced by gay men, so it's not surprising that some people would link it to homosexuality. And in prisons, anal rape is an act of degradation and control, so this is also an understandable negative image.
But enjoyment of anal pleasure is not necessarily associated with homosexuality. No matter what your sexual orientation, anal stimulation can fee erotic and desirable. In addition, anal sex usually has nothing to do with degradation and rape, as is the case with vaginal intercourse.
Both men and women can enjoy anal sex play. From customer feedback, it's clear that many heterosexual men enjoy being on the receiving end of anal intercourse, with women using strap-on dildos doing the inserting. It's just something different, another way to play with pleasure and gender roles.
And for some, gender-bending is an unexpected turn-on. Anal sex requires more communication than oral or vaginal sex. For some, that makes it a hassle. But for others, the extra communication and trust that anal sex necessary for enjoyable anal sex deepens intimacy and helps couples feel especially close.
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