Question: My boyfriend is well endowed and wants to have anal intercourse with me. I really want to try it with him, and please him, but I’ve never done anal before and I'm afraid that it will hurt too much. Do you have any suggestions for newcomers?
Answer: I’m so glad you asked before trying it. Before I answer your question, I’d like to credit Jack Morin, Ph.D., for much of this answer. Morin is the author of "Anal Pleasure and Health," and probably the world's leading expert on safe, pain-free, erotic anal sex. (Xandria sells Morin's book.)
Anal sex is a minority experience, even in pornography. In the landmark 1994 “Sex in America” survey by University of Chicago researchers, 26 percent of men and 20 percent of women said they’d tried it, but only a small fraction said they’d included anal play the last time they had sex before being surveyed (two percent of the men, one percent of the women). In a similar 1997 University of California survey, about seven percent of respondents said they’d experienced anal play during the previous 12 months. Anal sex is certainly not a mainstream activity, but increasingly, it’s on Americans’ lists of sexual experiences they’re curious about. For most it’s a novelty, a forbidden fruit. It can also deepen intimacy. It’s a way for the recipient to tell a lover: No part of me is out of bounds to you. And it’s a way for the inserter to tell a lover: No part of you turns me off; every part of you turns me on.
Unfortunately, many people have had bad experiences with anal play, particularly penis-anus intercourse. The anus is much less receptive than the vagina or mouth, so many men have had difficulty entering it - and when they push in, many women experience sharp pain, which ends things, often forever.
Misconceptions also abound about anal play, for example; that it’s dirty, that it must hurt women, men who enjoy inserting are sadists out to dominate the recipient, that men interested in receiving it are gay and that it spreads HIV. However, with some forethought and care, anal sex need not be painful. With careful hygiene, it’s clean and free from fecal contact. Many kind, gentle men enjoy anal play and penetration. Many men who are 100 percent heterosexual experience intense pleasure during anal. And while receptive anal intercourse is the most efficient sexual route for transmission of HIV, the reason is not anal sex per se, but rather the fact that anal intercourse is more likely than oral or vaginal intercourse to allow semen-blood contact. Anal intercourse with condoms is just as safe as any other type of safe sex.
Anal Anatomy Surprises
The anus is more complicated than most people think. One crucial fact is that the human body has two rings of anal sphincter muscles, the external one that’s visible and another ring about a half inch inside. The external sphincter is pretty easy to relax, but the internal one is less so. Different parts of the nervous system control each of these sphincters, so relaxing the external opening doesn’t necessarily relax the internal one. Many people store up stress in their internal anal sphincter muscles, just as some people store stress in their backs or necks. As a result, some have a harder time than others learning to relax the internal sphincter and enjoy comfortable anal play. “But if you want to,” Morin says, “over time, you probably can.”
Moving internally from the anal sphincters, the narrow, muscular anal canal extends an inch or two. The sphincters and anal canal are richly supplied with nerves and are highly sensitive to touch, which is why many people find anal touch erotic. In addition, the anus is surrounded by the pelvic floor muscles, notably the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, a key muscle that contracts during orgasm. Anal stimulation can excite the PC muscle and intensify orgasm.
The anal canal widens to become the rectum, a five-inch tube of soft tissue. The rectum is not a straight cylinder; it has curves that vary from person to person. Anything inserted into the rectum must negotiate these curves, one reason why insertion of anything into the anus should proceed very slowly, with lots of lubrication and with the recipient controlling the play.
There are usually only traces of stool in the rectum and anal canal. Most fecal material is stored just beyond the rectum in the descending colon. When you feel “the urge,” stool moves into the rectum and fairly quickly passes out of the body. Most of the time, when you feel no urge to defecate, there are only small amounts of stool in the rectum.
Finally, unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating. To enjoy anal sex, you must use plenty of lubricant - the more the better. Even with liberal lubrication, insertion of anything or its vigorous movement may abrade the soft tissue of the anal canal and rectum and cause minor bleeding, especially if the recipient is among the estimated one-third of the U.S. population with hemorrhoids. (To prevent hemorrhoids, eat a high-fiber, plant-based diet.)
Minor bleeding of the anal canal is no cause for concern - unless the object inserted is an erection and the inserter is infected with HIV. If HIV-contaminated semen comes in contact with blood, the receiving partner is at considerable risk of becoming infected. Unless you’re confident that your lover is HIV-negative and free of other sexually transmitted infections, all sex should be safe sex with condoms. But safe sex is especially important during anal play because it’s more likely than other sexual activities to result in semen-blood contact.
Hygiene Issues
Our culture views the anus as dirty and disgusting, it’s an area considered taboo. On an intellectual level, plenty of people might like to explore anal pleasure, but they have a hard time because emotionally, they can’t handle it. The anal taboo can be overcome, but it takes time. Take all the time you need. Otherwise, anal sex is no fun, or even worse, it becomes coercive.
In anal play, cleanliness is crucial. Wash, bathe or shower beforehand. Clean the area with a soapy finger. Some people also rinse the rectum and anal canal with an enema. Disposable enemas (Fleet) are available over the counter at pharmacies. If you’re new to enemas, take your time. The first few may feel odd. Use the prepared solution, or fill the plastic bottle with warm water. Lubricate your anus and anal canal, bend over - or drop down to your elbows and knees - then insert the flexible tip, gently squeeze the bottle, wait a minute or two and then expel the water into the toilet. Anal rinsing not only cleans the area, but also helps both lovers relax and feel less apprehensive about anal play. If the receiving anus and anal canal have been washed well beforehand, then anal play - including oral-anal contact (rimming) - is as clean as any other form of lovemaking.
But nothing that has had any contact with the anal area should be introduced into the vagina, anal bacteria may cause a urinary tract infection.
The Basics
Most people believe that “anal sex” means penis-anus intercourse. In fact, this is the LEAST frequently practiced form of anal play. The majority of lovers limit anal sex to finger massage of the anal sphincter, insertion of a finger or two, or a sex toy into the anal canal, anal fingering coupled with oral-genital sex, or rimming.
Don’t plunge into anal fingering - or especially anal intercourse - quickly. “Anyone interested in being the receiving partner should start anal play by exploring their own anus solo,” says New York City sex educator Betty Dodson, Ph.D. “Get a mirror so you can see it. As you lubricate the opening and touch around it, pay attention to the different sensations you feel. Using one finger, slowly press in as you slightly bear down to open the sphincter muscles.”
Use plenty of lube. Try different lubes to see which one(s) you like best. Liquid water-based products may be your lube of choice for other forms of lovemaking, but they may not feel best for anal play. Try the thicker jellies or experiment with vegetable oil or Crisco. Petroleum-based lubricants may cause vaginal irritation, so they should not be used for vaginal intercourse, but for anal sex, some people enjoy them. During solo explorations, pay attention to your external and internal sphincters and to the unique curves of your rectum. Practice relaxing your sphincters. Breathe deeply. Try different positions to see which ones feel most comfortable.
Next, you should move on to experimenting with a well-lubricated butt plug. Start with a small, thin plug and progress to larger, thicker ones only if you feel inclined. “Butt plugs are specially designed for anal play,” Dodson says. “The flared base keeps them from getting lost in there. They come in a variety of sizes and are designed to stay in place once they are inserted. This leaves your hands free to do other things.” Or try anal beads, designed to serially open and close the anal sphincters, which some people find erotic. The lover on the receiving side of anal play should become as comfortable as possible with solo play before complicating things with anyone else.
The most important rule of anal play is: It should NEVER hurt. If it does, the recipient is not sufficiently relaxed, the receiving anus and the object being inserted are not sufficiently lubricated, and/or the inserter is being insensitive and pushy.
Pain - and fear of pain - is the main reason why women nix anal sex. “Women’s biggest complaint about anal sex is that men push in too quickly,” Dodson, now in her seventies, explains. “That can really hurt. I had my earliest experience with anal intercourse in my twenties - and it was a disaster. We were both young and inexperienced. We didn’t even know enough to use lubrication. And I was far from relaxed. He pushed in and I felt this hot, burning sensation. I cried out in pain, but my boyfriend mistook my cries of pain for passion and pushed in deeper. I yanked away from him, furious. It took me 20 years to try anal again. Penis-anus intercourse is way too much for most couples. The typical erection is too large for women to receive comfortably. It’s intimidating. Most people prefer anal fingering. I encourage couples to just touch and massage each other’s anuses. That can feel incredibly erotic for both the massager and the recipient.”
Some men enjoy being deeply fingered because it massages the prostate gland, which can be a source of unique pleasure.
How To
Couples interested in anal play should approach it slowly and check in with each other every step of the way. First, focus on whole-body relaxation. Take a hot bath or shower together. While bathing, wash the anal area with soap and water and wash inside the anus as well.
Next enjoy some full-body massage and other sex play. Anal usually feels most enjoyable when both lovers are highly aroused.
Then proceed to light, well-lubricated massage of the external anal sphincter. If the recipient says that feels okay, then try very gentle, shallow fingering. Most people go no further than this.
If you’re interested in penis-anus intercourse - or in the man being the recipient with the woman using a strap-on dildo - the recipient should ALWAYS be the one in control, the one who does the moving. The inserter should remain absolutely still - no pushing into the anus and no thrusting in the anal canal until the recipient invites it, and if so, slow gentle movements. This allows the recipient to control the speed and depth of insertion and stay relaxed and comfortable.
Good positions include: recipient-on-top, back-to-chest spooning, or with the recipient standing and bent at the waist and the inserter behind.
How deep can you go? Comfortable depth varies greatly from person to person. After a while, a tiny proportion of recipients can accommodate much of the penis. But unlike what you see in pornography, the vast majority can’t comfortably accept an erection at all. Some recipients feel more receptive if they wear a butt plug for about 30 minutes before attempting to accommodate an erection or other sex toy.
Don’t rush things. Accommodating deep insertion of anything, including most of a single finger, often takes many months and many recipients never feel comfortable with anything beyond anal sphincter massage. This bears repeating: Most lovers who enjoy anal play limit themselves to anal sphincter massage or shallow fingering.
Anal play can lead to particularly intense orgasms. Some recipients love having a finger or plug inserted as their lover brings them to orgasm by hand, mouth or vibrator. But many recipients prefer not to have orgasms during anal play and especially not with a penis inside them. The reason is that orgasm causes involuntary muscle contractions and thrusting movements that may be painful for the recipient. But many inserters love orgasm during anal intercourse because the tight, muscular anal canal clamps down on erections quite firmly. Discuss this; it’s the recipient’s call.
Other Issues
Frequently one lover is eager to explore anal play, but the other is reluctant or opposed. Morin’s advice for the eager lover: Never force it and don’t nag. In a calm, loving manner, explore your partner’s reluctance. What exactly puts off your lover? Listen carefully and try to address the person’s concerns. Ask if there is any way your partner might feel comfortable exploring anal play. Remember, the majority of people limit it to sphincter massage and gentle fingering. Do only what’s mutually agreed on. If your partner says stop, stop immediately. Respect your lover’s limits.
Morin’s advice for those reluctant to try anal play: You’re under no obligation to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. Your lover should respect your limits, but don’t dismiss anal play out of hand. There’s nothing wrong, unnatural, weird, kinky or perverted about it. Think about why you’re reluctant and honestly tell your partner. Do your feelings have to do with the anal taboo? Memories of previous anal experiences that hurt? By discussing your issues, the two of you learn more about one another. That knowledge enhances intimacy even if you don’t have anal sex. Is there any type of anal play you might be willing to try? If so, declare it along with your limits. If you’re willing to be on the receiving side of any anal play, experiment solo until you feel comfortable inviting your lover to join you.
After anal fingering or intercourse, the recipient may feel the urge to defecate. It may be a real urge, but it may also be a false alarm, the reaction of a rectum not yet used to anal sex.
Many people worry that anal sphincters stretched during anal sex may never return to normal, resulting in soiled underwear. This is highly unlikely. Your anal sphincters have opened and closed during defecation for your entire life. Physiologically, the body can’t tell if material is passing out of the anus or into it. Assuming your anal sphincters close normally after defecation, they should do the same after anal play.
Finally, many people feel concerned about the “meaning” of anal sex. For example: Does a man’s desire to enter a woman anally mean that he wants to hurt, dominate or humiliate her? Does a man’s interest in receiving anal pleasure mean that he’s gay? And if a woman wears a strap-on dildo to enter a man, does that mean she’s “too dominant?" These questions are reasonable because all sex practices exist in cultural contexts. In the U.S., anal sex is most prevalent among gay men, so it’s not surprising that some people would link it to homosexuality. And in prisons, anal rape is an act of degradation, so this is also an understandable negative image. But the fact is, anal play need not mean anything beyond the mutual pleasure and intimacy it provides. No matter what your sexual orientation, anal stimulation can feel erotic and pleasurable. With mutual consent and limits respected, anal sex has nothing to do with domination, humiliation, degradation or rape. Many men and women enjoy anal play, and many heterosexual men enjoy receiving everything from fingers to strap-on dildos.
Anal sex requires more communication than most vaginal or oral sex. The extra communication - and the trust required to enjoy anal play - can deepen intimacy and bring couples closer. Anal play is just another sexual variation, one some people find loving, enjoyable and sex-enhancing.
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