Question: During intercourse I ejaculate very quickly and I was wondering if there was any way to control it? I have found with my previous wife I could last longer because we had sex a lot (about once every night) and now my new wife we only have sex maybe once a month. I masturbate but I was wondering if this has anything to do with my sensitivity. Can you help me!!
Answer: When men are very sexually active, like every night, they sometimes last longer than when they are less frequently sexual. But it doesn't really matter how often you're sexual. You can learn to last as long as you'd like no matter how frequently you have intercourse.
You have premature ejaculation, or coming too soon. It's the most common sex problem in men of all ages, but it’s particularly common among men under 30. Fortunately, in the vast majority of cases, it's also pretty easy to cure. Sex therapists enjoy an excellent track record helping men learn to last longer. Using the modern sex therapy program, men can learn to last longer all by themselves, or with the help of a lover. And without drugs, or anesthetic creams. Usually all a man needs is a little rethinking of his lovemaking style, and a modest self-help program that involves perhaps a few new moves. But the sexual variations that cure this problem are fun, and lead to a better sex life—usually within a few weeks to a month.
Faced with rapid, involuntary ejaculation, most men try to distract themselves during intercourse, believing that by thinking about other things, they can trick themselves into lasting longer. Usually, that only made things worse.
Don't tune out your body. TUNE INTO IT. You need to become more familiar with your different levels of sexual arousal. You also need to recognize how you feel as you approach your point of ejaculatory inevitability, the "point of no return." Once you recognize how you feel close to your point of no return, it's not difficult to make small sexual adjustments that allow you to remain highly arousal without ejaculating.
Sexual arousal is a four-phase process. In the Excitement Phase, breathing deepens, and erection begins. In the Plateau Stage, erection becomes full and you feel highly aroused. When arousal builds to a certain point, the next phase occurs, Orgasm with Ejaculation. Then during the Resolution Phase, breathing returns to normal and erection subsides. The key to ejaculatory control is to extend the Plateau Phase, to maintain arousal without triggering Orgasm and Ejaculation.
Here's a brief version of the sex therapy program that teaches men to last as long as they'd like:
* Don't use drugs or alcohol. They're distracting and they interfere with the self-awareness crucial to learning ejaculatory control.
* Appreciate whole-body sensuality. Men often think sex happens only in the penis and only during intercourse. That view is a one-way ticket to uncontrolled ejaculation (not to mention erection problems, and women with those proverbial headaches). The best sex involves head-to-toe arousal. Men learning how to approach—but not arrive at—their point of no return, need to appreciate whole-body sensuality, the pleasure potential in every square inch of the body. Whole-body sensuality releases tension. Tense bodies that have no other outlet often find release through involuntary ejaculation. But as you learn to appreciate sensual pleasure from head to toe, whole-body arousal takes the pressure off your penis, and you last longer.
* Whole-body sensuality means relaxation, but the "relaxation" involved in great sex is not the kind that includes an easy chair, a six pack, and Monday Night Football. It's the kind you feel after a hot bath or a good massage. In fact, bathing or showering together before lovemaking can help men relax and appreciate whole-body sensuality—and last longer.
* Breathe deeply. One very easy way to stay relaxed while making love is to breathe deeply. The body has a natural tendency to breathe deeply during sex. But many men fight it. They think they should stay in control by not breathing deeply and making the little love-moan sounds that go along with it. But when men work to control their breathing, they often sacrifice ejaculatory control. Try breathing deeply. Let your breath go. Many men are amazed how much this one little change improves their ejaculatory control.
* Start with masturbation with a dry hand. By varying how you caress your penis, you can learn to stay highly aroused for quite a while without coming. When you feel yourself approaching your point of no return, simply back off a bit, stroke yourself more gently or not at all, and stay aroused without ejaculating. Then as you feel yourself getting a little distance from your point of no return, return to more vigorous self-stimulation. Repeat this several times over several sessions. Approach your point of no return, and then back off. For most men, it doesn't take long to develop good ejaculatory control while alone.
Then move on to masturbation with a lubricated hand. Use saliva, vegetable oil, or a commercial sexual lubricant. For most people, lubricants increase the sensual intensity of erotic fondling. Follow the same program: Masturbate until you approach your point of no return, and then back off. Repeat this several times over several sessions.
* Once you have good control during masturbation, and appreciate whole-body sensuality, and feel comfortable breathing deeply during lovemaking, then you're ready for the couples program--if you're in a couple. The couple approach is called the "Stop-Start Technique." First, arrange "stop" and "start" signals with your lover, for example, a light pinch or tap, or a tug on an ear.
Then, your lover strokes your penis by hand as you lie still. When you approach your point of no return, give the "stop" signal. Your lover immediately stops stroking you and simply holds your penis gently, as you continue to breathe deeply and pays close attention to the sensations you’re feeling. When you no longer feel close to ejaculation, gives the "start" signal, and your lover begins stroking you again. How many stops and starts should you do? A half-dozen over a 15-minute period works well for most couples. Do what feels comfortable for you.
With stop-start, the focus is on the man. He's the one learning the new skill. But don't forget the woman's sensual needs. As part of each practice session, she might guide your hand over her to show you what she likes.
Once you've gained good ejaculatory control with your lover's hand, try the same stop-start procedure with oral caresses. Again, you begin by lying still.
Once you've gained good control orally, feel free to start moving. You're making love again—but now you have ejaculatory control. Congratulations.
Here are some other suggestions for lasting longer:
* The man-on-top (missionary) position can be fun, but it's harder for most men to control their ejaculatory timing, because they have to hold themselves up. Try making love with the woman on top. This position is more relaxing for men, and it often helps ejaculatory control.
* Make some noise. Love moans help men (and women) relax, and they often help men last longer.
* It's important to understand that learning ejaculatory control takes time and practice. You may feel a little awkward along the way. Try to maintain a sense of humor about any accidental spills.
Some penile skin creams advertise that they help a man last longer. These products contain topical anesthetics that dull sensation in the penis. If you like to play with penile sensation, there's no harm in using them. But they're not a good idea for learning to last longer. They dull sensation. But the key to lasting longer is for the man to become more familiar with what he feels so he can back off from his point of no return while still remaining highly aroused.
Finally, the program we recommend for learning ejaculatory control is very likely to provide your lover with greater sexual enjoyment—but not just because you last longer. Women generally prefer leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-oriented sensuality that includes the genitals but is not limited to them. Women's main complaints about men's sexual styles are that it's too rushed, too mechanical, and too eagerfor intercourse, and that it focuses only on the breasts and genitals.
Women generally feel that the whole body is a sensual playground, and can't understand why so many men explore only a few corners of it. Like women, penises generally prefer leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-oriented lovemaking. The rushed, penis-centered, intercourse-fixated sex style puts a lot of pressure on the penis, and
leads to premature ejaculation. But when men make love the way women prefer, whole-body arousal takes the pressure off your penis and you last longer. Basically, if men would make love the way women prefer, women would have fewer complaints, and men would have fewer sex problems.
If the information here doesn't cure you, sex therapy almost always can. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org. Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your State or Province.
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