After a bout of depression, reaching orgasm is difficult.
Question: I'm a 29-year-old woman. I used to have a really good sex drive in my teens and early twenties. But in my mid-twenties I became depressed and swore off sex, except for masturbation which I did quite frequently. I did this for three or four years and then returned to having sex with men. None of them could get me to orgasm. At first I thought it was them, but now I am dating men with a range of penis sizes and I still cannot orgasm. I don't feel anything! I have to masturbate in order to orgasm and I've been finding lately that I have to rub my clitoris really hard during penetration to get a strong orgasm. It's either that or no orgasm at all! What is going on with me? Please, please help me!
Answer: From your brief description we can't diagnose what's going on with you, but we certainly sympathize with your predicament and believe we can offer some suggestions that should help. You mentioned a period of depression. Did you take antidepressants? Are you still taking them? Antidepressant medication, especially the most popular class which includes Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft, often cause sexual side effects including loss of libido and difficulty reaching orgasm. If you're taking one of these drugs, your problem might well be drug-related. Discuss this with your doctor. Tinkering with your dosage, switching to a different antidepressant or weaning off the drug might help.
You mentioned that your problem is independent of penis size. We're not surprised. Perhaps you are unaware of the fact that many women who are perfectly sexually normal do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone, no matter what size the penis. For these women intercourse simply does not provide the clitoral stimulation they need to enjoy orgasm. There's nothing wrong or abnormal about needing direct clitoral stimulation to have orgasm.
But if you view an inability to experience orgasm from intercourse as abnormal, then you introduce stress and anxiety into your lovemaking, which may well interfere with your ability to enjoy orgasm. We'd advise not worrying whether or not you're normal. You are normal. You are also apparently one of the many women (about half of all women according to several surveys) who don't have orgasms from intercourse alone.
As for the increasing intensity of clitoral stimulation you say you need to have orgasms, stress might play a role in that, too. You might want to experiment with a vibrator. Vibrators provide more intense stimulation than a finger, hand, penis or tongue. Xandria.com sells dozens of different models. Finally, you might want to consult a physician and/or sex therapist. It's possible that you have a hormonal problem that contributes to your situation. A medical work-up could investigate that issue. Just be sure you consult a physician who is well informed about sexual medicine; some doctors are not. Be frank about your concern and if your doctor doesn't do much sexual medicine, ask for a referral to a physician who does.
It might also help to discuss your situation with a sex therapist. For a referral to a sex therapist or sex therapy program near you, contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) At thesociety@worldnet.att.net or call (319) 895-8407.
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