Words That Arouse and Get You What You Want
Author: Dr. Louanne Cole-Weston
Many, if not most, Americans have difficulty talking about sex. And once we start doing it, we often get even more tongue tied. It's as though an unspoken rule existed saying, "Once you've kissed, silence must prevail until 'the act' is done." Now granted, sometimes your tongue may be occupied, but I doubt that accounts for all the silence.
Many folks are worried that they will come across like a traffic cop in bed. Usually people don't get anywhere near that level of bossiness. The problem is that way too often men and women are totally clamming up when their partner is desperate for a clue - even after ten years!
As a sex therapist I know that many people grapple with the problem of what words to use. If you sometimes feel this way, you are truly not alone with this challenge. There is no single way to handle this. It usually boils down to each couple coining their own sexual phrases, borrowing some (such as the infamous "Venus Butterfly" from "L.A. Law") or at the very least learning which words are turn-ons, turn-offs or neutral.
This can be done several ways. You can sit down over a cup of coffee and think of the major sexual activities that you tend to include (or wish to include) and ask each other how you feel about using clinical terms, "polite" slang terms and street language. Most couples would have a hard time doing this unless at least one of them was a bit courageous.
Another approach would be to rent a sexually explicit video and watch together. Whenever any of the actors said a word that you would not feel comfortable hearing from your partner, you could say so or at least give the "thumbs down" gesture. But, make sure your partner knows which word! No assumptions are allowed at this stage since you've probably been living with unchecked assumptions for way too long.
If you don't want to sit through a video (or got distracted along the way while doing so), you could thumb through a magazine or book that contained sexually explicit language and point to the words or phrases that would bother you or the ones you prefer. Incidentally, there may be a difference between the words you are comfortable hearing and those that you would be willing to say. You'll need to let your partner know which is which.
Sexual retailers such as Xandria, carry erotic board games such as "Fore-Playing Cards" and "SEXsational" that, as part of the game, require communication with sexual language. These games can be particularly desirable for those with timid tongues because they usually establish a structure for the "players" to follow. They also typically try to evoke some smiles and laughter. A light-hearted spirit during any kind of sexual exploration -- be it language or behavior -- is essential. Too much seriousness during sex can make it feel too much like work or school.
I'll suggest some vital language do's and don'ts in a minute, but first, there is one thing to keep in mind during any of these verbal exploration sessions with your partner -- arousal. If you are not aroused when considering these words and phrases (such as the one suggested over the cup of coffee), you're responses may be slightly more restrictive. Sexual arousal has some interesting effects on the human body -- beside the obvious ones!
It has been well documented by sex researchers, such as Alfred Kinsey in Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953), that our senses of sight, hearing, smell and taste decrease as sexual arousal increases. Things that may seem very compelling during arousal can seem less exciting when you are not turned on. In other words, our standards of acceptability usually broaden during arousal. This is probably true for language also.
If you would like help in understanding your partner's sexual desires and in communicating yours, here are some basic tips that apply to most people. Avoid saying things like, "Don't do that!" or "That's too hard!" Instead, say, "Would you do that softer?" or "I tend to like it best when you do that more slowly." The idea here is to give your partner an idea of what you want. Simply telling your partner what you don't want takes away an option but does not offer a replacement for what you have just rejected.
Keep in mind that your partner may be quite curious to know what you desire during sex. Avoid saying, "Oh, I like everything!" That usually isn't completely true since almost no one likes everything. And it doesn't give a hint of where to start. Say something specific such as, "I really like receiving oral sex," or "Touch me all over before you touch my genitals." Most people flunk Mind Reading 101 when it comes to sex, so don't expect it from your partner.
Now, how can you give your partner positive feedback during sex? You can do it with either with sighs, moans or by saying, "That feels wonderful!" This is especially true when you want to make some changes in your sexual pattern together. Positive changes need to be acknowledged and doing so is crucially linked to having the changes stick.
If you are worrying that you will appear critical to your part- ner, be sure that you convey your enjoyment of any attempts to give you what you want -- even if it is not quite right. Reward efforts to understand you with sincere comments and smiles. It will only enhance your partner's motivation to please you more. Keep in mind how you would want to hear it. Be kind and thoughtful and be specific.
You can try all these things in an easy-going spirit of play and experimentation. As you explore new language, make an agreement with your partner to let the new comments that aren't so great just go by and to give each other lots of encouragement when what you hear is a delight. When you do this, you're in for some heightened arousal and fun.
For more on using language to get what you want, you may want to order my programs in the Xandria catalog: Meeting Women Easily and The Art of Meeting Men.