Start Having Orgasms -- Tips for Women
Author: Dr. Louanne Cole-Weston
It has been estimated that 15% of women have never had an orgasm either by a partner's stimulation or on their own. If you never or rarely have orgasms, you'll want to read this segment. If it is true for someone you care about, you may want to read to get the gist of the information and then suggest to your friend that she check it out as well.
Being a woman who rarely or never has orgasms puts you in plenty of good company, but you can have orgasms. And virtually all women who learn to have orgasms find that their lives are even more fulfilling as a result.
Before I begin to explain how you can start to have orgasms yourself, I want to mention some of the very strong societal messages that may have contributed to your past experience. Women have been told that they should expect a man to know all about sex; should maintain "a good reputation;" should be attractive, ladylike and passive; should have sex for men's pleasure and to produce babies; should only have sex if they're married; and should be sure to deodorize their genitals.
Women have also been told they should not talk about sex, should not learn about sex, should not read about sex, should not experiment with sex, nor think about sex! They are told don't get turned on, don't get out of control, don't feel sexual, don't give in to sexual desire, don't look at your genitals and don't let anyone else look at your genitals! With this partial list of all the very strong messages around, it's amazing that women manage at all to express their sexuality in a healthy and fulfilling manner.
To begin having orgasms you'll want to set a foundation which includes learning some sensual skills, increasing your acceptance of your body, releasing your belief in the negative cultural messages and most importantly, setting aside time on a regular basis to incorporate these changes. Most women who follow this process find that about 30 minutes each day -- usually pleasurable minutes -- works very well.
It will be very helpful to keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings as you take yourself through this process -- especially if you are not working with a therapist while you do this. As we go along, I will suggest subjects and questions to explore in your journal writing. The first question to consider is, "What has it been like, for you, not having orgasms?" If you can answer this question, it will help you feel very motivated toward completing this process.
The first step is to make some quiet time for yourself. You'll want to bathe, ideally in a bath tub and allow yourself to feel soothed and relaxed. After bathing, find a full length mirror and spread some lotion of your choosing all over your body. Look at the parts that you feel good about. Enjoy them and appreciate them. Then, try looking at the parts that have brought up critical feelings. Notice how you feel, but allow that you may soon feel differently. In fact imagine that, as a result of this process, you will reach a neutral, if not positive, feeling about those body parts. A little later I'll talk specifically about how you feel about your genitals.
Breathing is something that we take for granted. We are often unaware of its rate and rhythm, yet there are ways you can fine tune your breathing and your awareness of it to enhance your sexual response. In a quiet space, lie down with your arms at your side and legs uncrossed. Close your eyes and begin breathing slowly. Simply notice your breath going in and out for several minutes. Establish your rhythm. Then as you slowly inhale, press your buttocks toward the floor. Next as you slowly exhale, curl your buttocks up slightly toward the ceiling. This will help you associate movement of your pelvis with full deep breathing.
Another variation of breathing focuses specifically on your genitals. In this style, inhale through your nose and then imagine that you are breathing out through your genitals. Allow your legs to be separated and relaxed. This form of breathing will help you relax your vaginal muscles, an important skill to have when learning to become orgasmic.
As you listen to these suggestions, please remember that you do not have to incorporate all of them in your first session. I would suggest that you eventually try every idea I mention at some point, but rather than turning this into "work," let it be play. Explore which things seem to fit together for you and in what way.
Kegel exercises will also be very helpful for you to learn. I will briefly describe them here, but for more detailed information, read Betty Dodson's article on the PC muscle and orgasm. In a moment I'll describe how to do them, but first I want to explain why they are so helpful. By doing them you are exercising your PC muscle (that's short for pubococcygeus). Exercising this muscle strengthens it and will increase the pleasure of your orgasms when they start to happen. It also helps you learn the difference in the feeling between having your PC muscle contracted or relaxed.
To do Kegel exercises, focus on your crotch area. Think of the muscles that you would use to stop and start the flow or urine. Squeeze those, but don't include your buttocks muscles. You have just done one Kegel exercise. You'll want to do them a few times each day for several minutes.
The next step in becoming orgasmic involves "making friends" with your genitals. I recommend several things to establish the friendship. Get out a mirror that you can conveniently use to look closely at your genitals. Then as you look, touch what you see. This is your vulva -- your vagina is inside your body. Notice the textures of each of the different areas.
After that try to draw your vulva. Put this drawing in your journal. Notice how you feel about your genitals. If there are parts that you do not like, see if you can make comparisons of those parts to something that you find attractive. Many women find that comparing their vulva to an unfolding flower or butterfly works very well. See what you can do to feel better. It's common to feel more pleasure and exciting sensitivity when you start liking your genitals more.
At some point if you haven't already, you'll want to read through the Sexual Response Cycle in this section. This information will give you a basic sense of what will go on within your body when you have your orgasms.
Some other encouraging and helpful information can be found in human sexuality studies. For example, Shere Hite found that the easiest and most reliable method of reaching orgasm is through masturbation. Alfred Kinsey and Masters and Johnson found that over 90% of women who masturbate are able to become orgasmic. That percentage is verified by my experience as a therapist when I have led therapy groups for women. And if that isn't incentive enough, Masters and Johnson found by measuring women's orgasms in a laboratory setting that masturbation orgasms were nearly always physiologically more intense that those from partner stimulation. Fascinating, isn't it?
Now, I'd like to return to how to get to those orgasms. You will want to have a vaginally safe lubricant to use. The Xandria Collection carries several and some of them are so similar to your own lubrication, it's hard to tell them apart. You may also use your own saliva. Not all women use a lubricant when they explore their genitals, but many do. Try it both ways to see which you prefer.
Explore your entire vulva and experiment with sliding your finger inside of your vagina part way. You may have preconceived ideas about what you'll like, but at this point, put those ideas aside. Just let your fingers wander trying different pressures and different patterns of stroking. Keep away from pressuring yourself to have an orgasm -- just explore. Notice what feels good and what feels so-so. If anything is distinctly painful, schedule an appointment with your gynecologist to be examined. It's a lot easier to proceed if you know that your body is healthy.
You'll want to experiment with pleasuring yourself for about 30 minutes each session. Even the most orgasmic women often need a few minutes to make a transition from their every day life to activating their sexual feelings. So take your own sweet time. You're creating brand new feelings and you'll want to savor them all.
While you pleasure yourself, try rocking your pelvis. Also try making lots of sounds and exaggerate some movements. Chances are that even when you exaggerate them, they'll be even less than you'll make when you actually do have orgasms.
Explore a new position from time to time. Shere Hite found that some women were orgasmic much more easily in some positions than others. After several self pleasuring sessions, try role playing an orgasm just to make it "more OK" for you to actually have one. Practice letting go of control.
I won't elaborate further here on the many ways to explore your self pleasuring. Several very detailed segments of information about masturbation are available in Sex Talk, each of them by Betty Dodson. In addition, I strongly recommend her book, Sex for One, to help you feel positive about this step that you're taking.
If you get in a stuck period for a while, after about a dozen practice sessions, write about it in your journal. One particularly helpful question to explore is, "What fears have I had about having an orgasm?" List them and elaborate on them. Really spell them out. What reasons do you have for not having orgasms?
Then fantasize about how much pleasure you can enjoy. To prompt fantasy imagery to float through your mind, try reading my information segment called "Fantasy." In addition, write a description of your fantasy of the sexier woman that will come out from within you. Really let yourself imagine how wonderful it will be!
As you practice your self pleasuring, you'll probably notice that your overall awareness of sensuality will increase. You'll probably be more inclined to fill your environment with flowers, music, candles, soft pillows and other mood enhancers. I believe that if you commit to unpressured self pleasure on a frequent and regular basis you will begin having orgasms reliably. You'll also find that this positive experience will ripple outward and will lead to many other joys in life.