The Sounds and Words of Sexual Pleasure
Author: Betty Dodson, Ph.D.
Hi! I'm Betty Dodson, author of Sex for One and producer of several erotic sex-ed videos all available from the Xandria Collection.
What do you think of when I say, "sounds and words of sexual pleasure?" Do you remember a lover who had a voice you could listen to endlessly? Or can you think of a time when your orgasm was expressed fully without fear of being heard? Or can you remember an experience when a lover used hot, sexy, four letter words of passion during sex that drove you wild with desire? We seldom talk about AURAL sex, yet I believe it's an important component in keeping masturbation and partner sex hot and fun.
Singers use their voices just like a musical instrument. Many actors, radio announcers and teachers are aware of how they sound as they use their voices to persuade, convince or entertain. The same is true of a person who uses his or her voice to heighten sex. Our voices can be an important part of sexual arousal, an exquisite aspect of making love when we use sounds and words that are music to a lover's ears.
The first time I had a lover verbalize a fantasy out loud while we were having sex, I had an orgasm that rocked the room. That incident remains clearly etched in my memory to this day. He used words that at that time I considered nasty and degrading, but I was so turned on that I got over my moralistic objections. After a few more orgasms with his sexual fantasies full of four letter words, I was delighted with this new kind of sexual game. It inspired me to begin exploring and developing my own sexual fantasies, but it would be a long time before I could verbalize any kind of a fantasy during sex, especially using common slang.
While men might prefer four-letter words and women want the sweet talk of romance, there can be a middle ground. For example a man can say; "My darling, beloved, I'm going to fuck you until your cries of ecstasy fill the room." The four letter word could refer to oral sex or intercourse and the idea of "cries of ecstasy" gives her permission to express her orgasm with sound, instead of remaining silent. Of course, one of the biggest problems with making sounds is having small children asleep in the next room or neighbors who can hear through the thin walls of some apartment buildings. Some couples have masked the sounds of sex by playing music, hanging rugs on the walls or using other acoustical barriers. Or they might wait for a vacation in the woods, go to a motel or make love in a parked car.
One workshop woman told about her concern of disturbing the neighbors when she and her husband were first married. They were having lots of sex and orgasms and since they could often hear their neighbors upstairs, she figured they could hear them. One day she went to her neighbor and asked if they were being disturbed. The neighbor smiled and said, "On the contrary, your sexual sounds have gotten my husband and I turned on again and we're making love like newlyweds too." They both laughed and later on became good friends. Not all neighbors will be that cooperative, but it's a wonderful image. Interesting how we never think sexual sounds will be welcomed.
Practically everyone grew up in a family where there were no sounds of sex at all. As children, we learned how to be silent so we wouldn't get caught masturbating. This sexual conditioning gets carried over into adulthood. Remaining silent during sex applies to men as well as women. Some women in the workshops learned how to be more expressive during sex and their example inspired their partners to also make sounds of pleasure.
One way to break through the silence barrier is to first practice breathing out loud. We underestimate the sounds of someone breathing fully as an erotic turn-on. Maybe it's because we've picked up the phone and heard a "heavy breather" on the other end and it was upsetting. The first time it happened to me, I felt emotionally violated and dirty. I hated the sounds of breathing out loud until I learned to associate it with my own orgasms and sexual pleasure.
After getting comfortable with breathing out loud, we can begin to add sighs, groans or other sounds that express our pleasure. These sounds can become important feedback to ourselves when we make love alone or indicate to a partner what we like. One exercise I recommend is to have an orgasm with a tape recorder on and then play it back. The first time I did this, I was amazed at how quiet I was. But after a period of experimenting with chanting and singing during sexual arousal and continuing on after I had an orgasm, I began to free up my voice to express the pleasure I was feeling.
For men it's considered masculine to have a deep voice. But many women squeak about in the upper registers or speak softly like little girls because we think its feminine or we simply aren't aware of how we sound. Listen to television sometime and become aware of how many women only use the upper register of their voices, especially when anger is expressed. Within a short period of time, a high-pitched voice becomes grating on a listener's ears.
An exercise we used in the workshops to get us to expand our vocal range starts with chanting "om," at a middle tone. Then we gradually lower our voices until we get down to the lowest register. The next step is consciously using a lower voice during masturbation by simply saying "oh, oh, oh," or "ah, ah, ah" and bringing the breath down into the belly. Putting our attention and awareness into the pelvic bowel and lower energy centers can often have the positive effect of deepening our experience of orgasm.
By encouraging the lowering of voices, I don't mean it's necessary to eliminate all high sounds. I have a girlfriend who climbs the scale as she gets more and more sexually excited and when she hits high C, she usually comes. That's also a perfectly good expression of pleasure. But she's not screaming, she's actually singing high notes that are enjoyable to hear.
The opposite of singing is screaming. These ear-piercing sounds are a real turn-off to most people. Some men like "screamers" because it feeds their ego. They think they're causing a passionate response. But forcing loud screams binds the energy in the throat and is actually fighting off sexual feelings. While I think primal screams can be cathartic to release rage and emotional pain, I suggest doing it into a pillow alone, not during sex.
The same is true for crying -- tears of joy are quite different from having a crying jag. I'm not saying a person's sexual expression can't be emotional and very vocal with whoops and hollers of exuberance or even laughing until you cry. But going back to the idea that our voices are musical instruments, we can become more aware of making sexual sounds that will enhance our own, as well as our lover's pleasure.
Once a woman can "sing her song of orgasm," adding words won't be so difficult. I used to practice saying a word or two during masturbation. First it was simply "yes" and then words like "more" or "I love it." Nearly every new thing we learn about expressing sexual pleasure can be practiced during masturbation. Once we get accustomed to making sounds and saying words with ourselves, sharing it with a another person becomes easier. I can now verbalize a fantasy throughout my sexual build-up, falling silent just before my orgasm that comes out with sounds of joy. I wish you many happy and vocal orgasms.