Sharing Masturbation
Author: Betty Dodson, Ph.D.
Hi! I'm Betty Dodson, author of Sex for One and producer of several erotic sex-ed videos that are available from the Xandria Collection.
I'd like to talk about a special sexual treat for lovers -- sharing masturbation. This is not what most people call "mutual masturbation" when two people do each other's genitals at the same time. What I mean by sharing masturbation is me doing myself while you do yourself. We could be lying side by side in bed or sitting in comfortable chairs or standing up facing each other or both of us standing up facing a mirror so we can enjoy the erotic visual of self and other at the same time. In many ways, this kind of erotic sharing can be much more intimate than intercourse which has become routine and uncreative.
Frequently workshop women complain that their sex lives have gotten boring with the same old position A intercourse. Too often it doesn't last long enough or provide adequate clitoral stimulation for women to climax. That's when I suggest a vacation from fucking and suggest she propose sharing masturbation with her lover or husband. Of course that's easier said than done. When my marital sex was in a set pattern like that, I could never open my mouth to suggest anything. I kept hoping my husband would read my mind and do something different, but it never happened. Instead of taking responsibility for getting what I wanted, I silently blamed him. Does this sound familiar?
Right after I got divorced, my new lover and I agreed masturbation would be a natural part of our sexual exchange. But actually sharing it for the first time was difficult for both of us. After all, making love alone had been a private activity our entire lives, so this new kind of sexual exposure made us both feel very vulnerable. I felt tentative about taking such a big risk with sexual honesty. One concern was worrying if he'd still love me when he saw I wasn't dependent on him for my orgasm. I also worried about looking weird having an orgasm.
First, I decided to have an orgasm while watching myself in front of a mirror alone. When I saw I didn't look funny or strange, but simply sexual and intense, I was thrilled. I was also amazed to realize that until that moment, I'd never had a visual image of myself as a sexual being! But still, I needed more reassurance. At that point, it would have been nice to be able to sign up for a masturbation workshop were I could see how beautiful other women looked when they were in the throes of orgasm. But I did have a girlfriend I trusted, so I asked her watch me. She confirmed that I looked perfectly gorgeous getting turned on and then having my climax.
With this new erotic information, I was able to share masturbation with my boyfriend. We both knew we'd made an extremely important breakthrough as new discoveries and insights followed. Without the interference of our own sexual responses, we were able to observe each other carefully and in detail. He learned which patterns of manipulation and contact were the best for me and I saw what he liked best by watching him. We could see exactly how each of our bodies responded during sexual buildup and orgasmic release, a beautiful sight to behold. Psychologically our intimacy deepened. There was even a greater freedom to be more honest about our feelings. Perhaps there was a fuller recognition of each other's humanness brought about by the sharing of this basic sexual activity.
To practice watching yourself alone, stand in front of a mirror that lets you see at least down to your knees. A full body mirror is ideal, but one friend just watched her face with a hand mirror the first time. Eventually she included her entire body. I recommend making left eye contact with your own image while remembering that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Simply relax the eye muscles and maintain an unblinking gaze. Eye gazing is used in Tantra rituals where the practitioners use meditative sex as part of their spiritual growth.
Another possibility is using a video camera to tape yourself having an orgasm and then play it back. After several video sessions, you will have a very clear image of yourself as a sexual person. It's also a great way to see what's happening to your body. One of the most obvious blocks is holding the breath. Remember to breathe out loud and keep a rhythmic movement with some kind of pelvic rocking while you squeeze the PC muscle.
When you feel ready to share masturbation with a partner, stand or sit far enough apart so you see each other's bodies. Maintaining eye contact is optional as it might be too intense at first. I always use my electric vibrator and if my partner is a woman, she has one too. Most of my male partners prefer manual stimulation with lots of massage oil. As the sex energy builds, the dance begins. We inspire one another watching our individual responses. After enjoying one or more orgasms, it's lovely to bring the experience to an end by holding each other and breathing together until all body systems are at rest. I wish you many happy orgasms from sharing masturbation.