Sexual Role Playing
Author: Betty Dodson, Ph.D.
Hi! I'm Betty Dodson, author of Sex for One and producer of several erotic sex-ed videos available from the Xandria Collection.
Although I'm usually seen as the Masturbation Maven or the Queen of Electric Orgasms, I've had a wealth of other sexual experiences. During the sixties and part of the seventies, I was involved with sex parties which laid the base for much of my sexual knowledge. By the end of the seventies, I phased out group sex and was perfectly happy sharing my orgasms in the masturbation ritual that was part of every workshop I led. The "women only" dynamic was also more peaceful for me because it eliminated the customary battle between the sexes which was always about power and control. In my opinion, when sex is based on possesion and ownership, desire walks out the bedroom door.
In the early eighties, I joined a support group of lesbian and bisexual women who were exploring sexual role playing by consciously looking at the exchange of power between two or more people sharing sex. These women were talking about dominance and submission, top and bottom, master and slave all by consensual agreement. Once I got over the mythical feminist notion of love and sex between equals, I was given the chance to look at what role I wanted to play. Did I want to be dominant and determine the kind of sex we would have? Or did I want to be submissive and let someone else take over? At first, I went for the dominant role and quickly discovered to my amazement that the submissive was really in charge. The dominant only had the illusion of power. Eventually I decided I was a "switchable" who was sometimes a top and sometimes a bottom, depending on my erotic mood. Variety has always been the spice in my life.
One of the best parts about this group of women was dressing for sex. By the clothing we wore, we signaled the kind of sex we were interested in having that evening. I had the choice of being butch or femme, leather or lace or I could try a military uniform or look like a cop. Even though we were dealing with the dynamics of exchanging power in sex, the atmosphere was a lot more playful than being a straight woman at a singles bar where the roles were played out unconsciously as each man pretended to be Tarzan and I acted like a helpless Jane lost in the heterosexual jungle of dating.
As a young heterosexual woman, I was automatically a bottom with no awareness of the exchange of power. Outwardly, everything I did was done in the name of love, but inwardly I was looking for Mr. Right to secure my future. It was more like doing business than seeking sexual pleasure, but I would have denied it vehemently as I claimed to be searching for true love.
Today my sexual wardrobe includes lingerie, high heels for the bedroom only, leather boots, a policeman's hat, a black leather dildo harness with a variety of dildos sizes, a black leather bra with chains, a few leather whips, lots of electric vibrators and an assortment of butt plugs for anal play. It's fun to get dressed to go out when I have sex in mind and know which role I want to play.
If you've never experimented with roles consciously, you have a lot to look forward to. If you're a woman who usually goes along with what your lover wants, meet him at the door dressed like a dominatrix and tell him you will be running the show tonight. It's best to have a simple plan like requesting he strip for you or dressing him up in something frilly and silky before you go down on him. In many ways, it's easier for women to become dominant than it is for men to be submissive. That's because of our fixed ideas about masculine and feminine behavior. But the healing for this is to get into role reversal. Whatever it is you've been accustomed to, simply reverse it and then practice in front of a mirror before you try it with your partner.
One of my lovers who was a lawyer always showed up in a three piece suit. The night I dressed him up in my panty hose and full makeup and treated him like he was my favorite woman lover, the sex was very hot. He got a taste of what it was like to be a woman and I got to relish having him off balance and quite vulnerable. Another time, I was a horny cowboy just back from a round up wearing my Stetson hat and a dildo harness that proudly displayed a perpetual hardon. That night my lawyer had to take it in the ass which turned out to be one of his secret fantasies. I pulled out my best Kansas twang and rode that little bronco until he collapsed into a sweaty heap after his biggest orgasm to date.
So much of our sex takes place in grim silence, so don't forget to experiment with a dialogue that will enhance the role you want to play. You could even write out a few possible scripts. This kind of sexual communication, along with a little humor, makes sex more playful. Once our sexuality and orgasms are liberated from proving our love or proving our femininity and masculinity, we'll have a lot more fun in bed. I wish you many happy orgasms from role playing and dressing for sex.