An Introduction to Xandria's Light BDSM Toys
Author: Michael Castleman, M.A.
BDSM stands for "bondage, discipline and sadomasochism." Xandria's light BDSM toys include blindfolds, restraints, floggers, and nipple-pinching jewelry.
First, let's dispel the leading myth about BDSM - the idea that blindfolds, restraints, and other light BDSM toys are abusive. Not so. You don't need a blindfold, handcuffs or a whip to abuse someone. And in loving hands, these toys are not abusive at all, but rather fun, erotic, and tender. They can make sex more exciting and much more intimate.
Fundamentally, BDSM is about TRUST. Have you ever played the child's game, "Trust Me?" One person stands behind another. The one in front falls backward with the understanding that the other will catch the one who falls before that person crashes to the floor. It's a game in which the element of danger, i.e. the threat of falling, heightens the excitement. When the player who falls backward trusts the other enough to let go completely and fall, and the other catches that person, both people experience a profoundly dramatic moment and share a deep, intimate connection. The one who falls symbolically says, "Despite the risk of hurting myself, I trust you enough to put myself in your hands." The one who catches says, "I'm deeply moved by your trust and won't betray it. You can count on me to catch you, to allow you to experience the excitement of risk -- and of trusting me."
Playfully erotic BDSM games are similar. How much do you trust your lover? Is the level of trust high enough to allow him or her to blindfold you? Or restrain you with handcuffs? There is tremendous dramatic and erotic power in being willing to surrender to a lover who could hurt or abuse you, but whom you trust not to -- and who lives up to your trust. By the same token, there is equally profound erotic pleasure in "taking" a lover, and "having your way" with the person -- all the while knowing that what truly binds you together is love and mutual respect, and the mutual knowledge that you would never do anything to hurt the person. In fact, in this context, blindfolding, restraining, spanking or lightly flogging a partner becomes a way to lovingly nurture that person.
First, some vocabulary: The dominant lover is the "dom" or "top." The submissive is the "sub" or "bottom." BDSM experiences are called "scenes," as in the scenes of a play, which is apt because BDSM is an intimate form of theater, complete with scripts.
However, in playful BDSM scenes, it is crucial to observe a few simple rules. First, the two lovers must trust one another. The "top" must pledge not to do anything that the "sub" finds uncomfortable or threatening -- and must scrupulously honor that pledge or all trust is destroyed, and the relationship along with it. The scenes played by the couple should be worked out in detail in advance so that both people know exactly what to expect. A stop signal should be arranged so that any time the "bottom" feels the least bit uncomfortable, he or she can end the scene. Stop signals should not include the words "stop," "no," or "don't" because "bottoms" often enjoy begging "tops" to "stop," secure in the knowledge that "tops" are free to ignore that exhortation. Meanwhile, "tops" often enjoy hearing bottoms pleading for them to stop, secure in the knowledge that they are free to say "No, I won't stop. You're mine, and I can do anything I want with you." Good stop terms include "red light," or "limit" as in "That's my limit," or any word you both agree on. Any time the "bottom" invokes the stop word, the "top" must immediately cease all activity, and the game ends -- at least until both people have discussed the reason the "bottom" invoked the stop signal. (If you play with gags, arrange a nonverbal safe term - for example, three grunts or high-pitched yelps.)
The irony of BDSM is that while the "bottom" feigns submissiveness, that person is actually the one in control. The "bottom" can always invoke the stop signal to terminate the scene, and the "top" pledges to obey immediately. In this way, BDSM provides an opportunity for both lovers to experiment with taking power and surrendering it to another -- while always feeling safe, nurtured, and loved.
Now consider how light BDSM toys can enhance your intimacy and relationship:
BLINDFOLDS. Several Xandria BDSM kits contain blindfolds: Beginner's Bondage Kit, Dirty Weekender Kit and Primal Bondage Kit. By denying sight, a blindfold not only symbolizes dominance and submission, it also encourages the person wearing the blindfold to turn inward and tune in to the erotic dimensions of the other senses: hearing, smell, taste and touch. By limiting one sense, the other four automatically become heightened, which lends drama and intensity to sex. In addition, by eliminating the blindfold wearer's power of sight, the "dom" is free to act out all sorts of fantasies that might erotically excite both lovers. For example, pretending to be someone else, perhaps a pirate or a movie star the blindfold wearer has fantasized about. Or the "top" might announce that several others have come to watch or join in the merriment -- and adopt other voices to make that fantasy more vivid.
COLLARS AND LEASHES. These toys playfully symbolize domination and submission. A collar says that the "sub" is "owned" by the "dom." A leash reinforces that dynamic. Collars should never be tight enough to pinch the neck. They're not about strangulation, but rather playful dominance and submission, being a pet, or turning a lover into one.
RESTRAINTS. Xandria offers two types of restraints. For beginners, who may feel nervous about being restrained, Love Cuffs have a quick release feature the "sub" can use to break free at any time. For more advanced bondage play, most of Xandria's other restraints can only be released by the "top." Once restrained, the person wearing the cuffs is at his/her partner's mercy, just like the person who falls in the "Trust Me?" game. The "dom" is free to erotically tease, tickle, kiss, finger or lovingly pinch, bite or spank the cuffed "sub." The "dom" might also "order" the "sub" to bow or kneel or provide or receive other sexual favors.
WHIPS, FLOGGERS AND RIDING CROPS. First, there's a big difference between pain and harm. When a football player scores a touchdown, teammates may slap his back or butt. This can smart, but such gestures are given and received with affection. By the same token, after a long hike up a mountain, you might feel sore and beaten up -- but when you reach the summit, you experience exhilaration despite your pain. BDSM games involving spanking and flogging are similar. Before the scene begins, lovers should work out how long it will last and the level of pain the "sub" can tolerate and enjoy. In light BDSM, all blows are light, the equivalent of a mild slap. Toys such as whips, floggers and crops are used to heighten both lovers' fantasies. Xandria offers many options, among them, the Fantasy Restraint Kit and the Tie-Ups 9-Piece Restraint Kit.
NIPPLE CLAMPS. Nipples are exquisitely sensitive. Many "subs" enjoy having their nipples playfully pinched. In addition to the intensity of sensation they deliver, nipple clamps also have tremendous visual appeal to many "doms" and "subs." Most of Xandria's nipple clamps have padded graspers for the "sub's" comfort, and they're easily adjustable for just the right amount of pressure and no more. Adjustable nipple clamps include: Tweezers, Fat Clamps, Crystal Nipple Clamps, Traditional Nipple Pleasers and Nipple Tension Riders.
Beyond their excitement and naughtiness, BDSM play also enhances intimacy in another way: It depends on very clear, frank, sexual communication. Most couples don't discuss their lovemaking very much. But BDSM requires frank communication. The couple must discuss who plays "top" and "bottom," decide on a safe term and work out their game in detail so that both lovers know exactly what to expect. Many couples who enjoy BDSM play say that the pre-sex discussion is as enjoyable, as intimate and as relationship-enhancing as the scenes themselves. And couples who enjoy playful BDSM typically find that they can discuss other sexual subjects more comfortably because of the practice they get negotiating their BDSM scenes.
Finally, any sex toy can be incorporated into playful power games. Use your imagination!