Introducing Your Partner to Vibrators
Author: Dr. Louanne Cole-Weston
Hello, I'm Dr. Louanne Cole. Read the following scene. Perhaps a friend has described this or it may have actually happened to you:
When Jennifer and Paul were having sex, Jennifer pulled out her vibrator and wanted to use it. Paul felt uncomfortable, angry and rejected. He said, "We don't need one of those things. I don't have any sexual problems. What do you need that 'thing' for when you've got me? Or is there something wrong with the way I've been doing it? " Jennifer got very embarrassed and knew that she had threatened Paul's confidence as a lover. Jennifer put away the vibrator and they attempted to have sex. For both of them it was tentative and awkward. Neither said much afterwards.
Paul had several objections to including the vibrator in their lovemaking. He had the feeling that it could or would replace him and that it wasn't "natural." He wondered if it could offer her something above and beyond what he was able to offer. He also may have wondered if she was suggesting this to spite him. Though Paul did not mention it, many men have strong fears that their partners might get overly attached or addicted to a vibrator.
Several days later, Paul and Jennifer talked it out. "I felt left out," he told her. She explained, "I felt like I was bringing you in, like I was sharing something special with you. It wasn't a reflection on the quality of our lovemaking. It's just another sensation and I wanted to share it with you." For both of them, the next time was somewhat easier.
Not all stories have a happy ending so easily. So, this segment of information is designed to give you specific suggestions about how to introduce a vibrator to your sexual experiences with a partner, how to actually use it together, how not to use it and some perspectives that will make it much easier to do all this.
Primarily, women have difficulty using vibrators with partners because of their embarrassment. This has to do with their linking vibrators with masturbation. Like it or not, masturbation is still one of the last sexual frontiers and the taboo remains for many men and women. To increase your comfort with this sexual activity, try listening to one of Betty Dodson's tapes on the subject.
Incidentally, sometimes the suggestion to use a vibrator comes from a man. For women who already enjoy vibrator use, this can be a welcome sign that this man is open to all sorts of pleasure. For some women, particularly one unfamiliar with vibrators, this suggestion can be taken as a comment that she is "too slow" in responding or is inadequate in some way.
Before suggesting ways to introduce vibrators into your partnered sex, I want to add one thing. No one needs a vibrator. Nor does anyone need perfume, cologne, lingerie or candlelight dinners. They are simply options for you to explore and include as you like in order to bring variety to your lovemaking.
Some people have difficulty actually bringing the vibrator into their beds. So some couples begin their experimentation with the shower massage attachments that release a pulsating stream of water. Many people are sexually playful and experimental in the shower, perhaps because we have relatively few stereotyped ideas of what sex should be in the shower. Another source of vibrating water is the jet in a jacuzzi or hot tub. Many couples occasionally rent a private room with jacuzzi to add spice to their sexual relationship. Vibrating water can be a part of that "spice."
To introduce a vibrator to your partner, I recommend a massager type such as Xandria's Magic Massager or Multi-Attachment Electric Vibrator. Try the vibrator on an aching back, sore feet or tight forehead. Once you and your partner get used to this "household appliance" being used to soothe your aching body, it's a lot easier to let the vibrator drift south to your genitals. Experiment with the vibrator all over your body in your pursuit of pleasure. Don't limit its use to the genitals only.
When you are interested in genital stimulation, be creative. You may think of focusing only on the clitoris or penis. Instead, allow your vibrator to drift around the whole area. Try all the speeds your vibrator allows. If the lowest speed is too intense, put a piece of fabric between the vibrator and your body. At first you may want to try vibration alone. Later you can add in some manual stimulation with the vibration.
Many couples like to try vaginal intercourse while vibrating. With the rear entry position almost any type of vibrator can be used provided you leave some air space. This is also true of the side-by-side position and woman-on-top position. For face-to-face intercourse with the man on top, a small vibrator that can easily be tucked in between the two of you is ideal. Xandria's Pink Pearl works very well and its long cord allows for making adjustments in the speed without interrupting your contact.
Here are some suggestions to enhance a man's vibrating pleasure. Try Xandria Man's Attachment for the Multi-Attachment Vibrator, which fits adjustably over the head of the penis. Experiment gently with this vibrator's scalp massage attachment on the testicles. Or try a vibrator designed specifically for pleasuring the penis, such as the Cherry Delight or the Jack Matic.
Some men enjoy prostate massage a great deal, but there's an important tip to remember here. Only use vibrators designed specifically for anal insertion, such as the Deep Space Probe or the Little Flirt. To be used safely in the anus a vibrator must either have a cross piece, be shaped somewhat like the letter "Y" or must be long enough to reach the prostate and then it should widen a great deal. Either of these features prevents the vibrator from slipping inside the anus and being lost in the rectum. Unlike the vagina, which is a bit like a "cul de sac", the rectum is a "thru-way." You want to be sure to avoid a potentially dangerous situation and an embarrassing visit to your local emergency room.
In the story at the beginning of this tape, Paul and Jennifer had difficulties because Paul didn't understand why Jennifer wanted to use the vibrator with him. So let's address why people do use them. Vibrators appeal to individuals who want to expand the range of their sexual feelings and experiences -- some like to do it with a partner.
As men, to increase the ease of your acceptance of vibrators consider the following. Some men are relieved to have a vibrator as an option. It lets them off the hook by decreasing their pressure to perform should their partner want additional stimulation. One man called it "The Equalizer," particularly when his partner's sexual needs were greater than what he was physically or emotionally prepared to meet. Labelling you partner "insatiable" or "demanding" will usually lead to conflict.
Most women see vibrators as an added dimension and usually state that their experience with a vibrator does not compare with orgasm with a loving, emotionally connected partner. It's also important to realize that most people do what they do sexually because of their own needs, not because they want to hurt someone or deprive someone.
For many men and women, there are some quite positive things about using vibrators together. It can be very exciting to witness your partner's passion and enjoyment, either passively as a voyeur or actively with kisses and fondling or by masturbating yourself. Knowing that your partner is comfortable enough to share this part of his or her sexuality can be a real vote of confidence to your relationship.
When first considering shared vibrator use, try to see it as a piece of machinery, an accessory to your sexuality. If either partner sees it as an intrusion, then you should discuss it before going any further. Make sure that your partner does not feel supplanted by the vibrator, rather that the goal is increased pleasure for you both. The vibrator is a helper, not a rival. But don't be coerced into using a vibrator if you just don't want to. There are no absolute standards about what makes a sexually liberated person.
In nearing the conclusion of this segment I'd like to quote the sex researcher, Edward Brecher, who wrote: "The ultimate aphrodisiac for the sensitive human male is not some illicit drug purchased on the black market. It is not the physical appearance of the woman he holds in his arms -- the color or length of her hair, the size or shape of her breasts, the depth or tightness of her vagina. The ultimate aphrodisiac is the presence in his arms of a sexually turned-on woman -- a woman wet with passion, ecstatically approaching orgasm, needing, wanting and delighting in her own climax and eager to share every moment of it with her partner. That's why a vibrator benefits both partners".
If you enjoyed this segment, you may also be interested in the audio tape series I co-authored called Love, Sex and Dating in the 90's, as well as the video series called How to Meet Women and How to Meet Men. They are all available in the Xandria Collection. Thank you very much for reading. I'm Dr. Louanne Cole, wishing you great sex.