Fantasy
Author: Dr. Louanne Cole-Weston
As you are probably well aware, sex is not just about our bodies. Even if our so-called "plumbing" is working just fine, the sex we have can be disappointing if our minds aren't cooperating, too. How can our minds cooperate? By allowing them to entertain us with images and scenes we call fantasy.
There is a major misconception that all fantasies represent suppressed wishes and desires that people are really wanting to act out. That simply is not true. Fantasies for many people are mental explorations of sexual terrain that they may never wish to experience in reality. They have no need to act them out and, for some, acting them out would spoil them.
Why do people fantasize? Some people fantasize in order to start their sexual excitement and it's not a bad idea to jump start your motor when making a quick transition from a stressful day to a sexual experience. Others fantasize to increase their excitement during sex with their partner or when stimulating themselves. Many people tap into fantasies when they are nearing orgasm and want a little extra momentum to go over the top. Still others fantasize simply because they want all of their senses stimulated during sex and adding exciting images enriches it all the more.
Sharing your fantasies with your partner can increase the intimacy of your relationship. But remember, not all fantasies need to be shared or should be shared. That means that your partner may not want to hear all about yours and may not want to tell all to you either.
There are different ways to learn about your partner's fantasies. You can ask outright, but that may not get you any information if your partner fears your response or feels shame about the fantasies. Some people will say that they have no fantasies. To the best of their knowledge, this may be true because they may have repressed their fantasies into their unconscious minds.
Another way to learn of your partner's fantasies is to notice any responses to erotic materials he or she may have. You can view films, videos or TV together, read magazines, books or newspapers and notice which themes catch the attention of your partner. You might even read a column or listen to a radio show which gives advice on sexual matters. When a theme that appeals to you is portrayed, you might say, "I've been thinking about that and would like to try it out. Would you be interested in that?" Another way to learn of your partner's interest is to tell a sexual story either before or during a sexual encounter and observe any effect it has for both of you.
It's very important not to coerce your sexual partner into a fantasy you have. Don't equate the enactment of your fantasy with love. Too often partners hear phrases like, "If you really love me, you'll dress up as a..." Love is not about coercion; it's about willingly giving each other gifts of pleasure.
Also take care not to share more than your partner can handle. Some people share their personally troublesome fantasies in order to decrease their own sense of shame and discomfort with their particular fantasy. Putting the load on someone else's back is no favor to them. Some fantasies may, in fact, be rather threatening to a partner, especially if that person is insecure in the relationship and the fantasies involve other people. When to share then involves deep and accurate knowledge of your partner. So share your fantasies with care.
Some fantasies can be so troublesome that you may wish you did not have them. If this is the case, you may want to just monitor them and notice how often they occur. If you find that you are always unable to be aroused except if you fantasize in a particular way, you may want to consult a sex therapist to interpret the meaning of this arousal pattern for you and what you may do about it.
More often, however, people become a little too alarmed about the correctitude of their fantasies and can shut themselves down sexually by trying to purge themselves of these thoughts. Often these "thought police" tendencies can create sexual dysfunction for people who simply have vivid sexual imagery. Many women, in particular, are troubled by fantasies that involve any kind of power exchange between them and their partner -- especially if they themselves are in a submissive stance of some sort.
I recommend that you allow your mind to browse through many types of arousing images during masturbation and partner sex. This can include images of people who are attractive to you, parts of your body or your partner's body that arouse you, particular activities that appeal to you, sexual settings, complicated and elaborate scenes and scripts or simply enhanced sensual environments. Many books, written by both women and men, are now available to offer you pleasurable ways to occupy your mind during sex and in anticipation of having it. The Xandria Collection is a great resource for these types of fantasy materials.
Don't underestimate the contribution the brain makes to your having an exciting and fulfilling sexual experience. Some research is going on currently with a small number of women who are able to fantasize to orgasm without physical stimulation. Many men and women dream to orgasm while sleeping. Focusing your mind on sexually stimulating material is a primary skill taught by sex therapists to men and women who have difficulty with sexual arousal and orgasm.
When couples share fantasies it can lead to a sense of uniqueness and private adventure for them in their relationship. Often when a couple who already has a good relationship begin to share their fantasies, they discover that they are somewhat well matched. Creative sexual partners note what arouses their partner and tuck it away in their brain for a future moment. An unexpected offer of a fantasy, either in words or by playing it out, can really increase pleasure and decrease boredom in long term relationships. It lets your partner know that you're willing to pay attention to what is exciting and offer that gift of pleasure. Fantasy can be the necessary spice of fulfilling sexual relationships.